I'm posting this in honor of an old friend from Beihai, someone who has a big interest in learning English, while at the same time a great sense of humor.
Hope you enjoyed it, Hillbilly!Warning: Please don't read unless you have a sense of humor 
怎么跟老外聊？
How to talk to a laowai?
广州火车站，两个姑娘的对话：
Guangzhou Train Station, two young ladies’ dialogue:
姑娘１：“老外。”
Young lady 1: “Laowai.”
姑娘２：“哪里？”
Young lady 2: “Where?”
姑娘１：“后面。”
Young lady 1: “Behind.”
姑娘２：“怎么说呢？”
Young lady 2: “What should I say?”
姑娘１：“我不知道。”
Young lady 1: “I don’t know.”
从她们背后我笑着说：“我也不知道。”
From behind them a said with a smile, “I also don’t know.”
她们都吃吃地笑，说：“Sorry”，就跑开了。
Giggling they said, “Sorry,” and ran away.
很多学生又认真又好奇地问：“老师，怎么跟外国朋友说话？如何跟外国同事交流？”对我来说，这个问题是有点奇怪，可还需要应对这个无辜的问题。在下面我写了一些‘DO’s & DON’Ts’：有些是很搞笑，有些你可以试试，有些也请你别用吧。
Many students ask with seriousness and curiosity, “Teacher, how to speak with foreign friends? How can we communicate with foreign coworkers?” To me, this question is a little strange,but I need respond to this innocent question. Down below I wrote some ‘Do’s and Don’t’: some are hilarious, some you can try and some please don’t use.
第一：语音和文化有差异，可没有人类差异
Number One: Language and culture have differences, but there’s no difference in species
不要忘记，我们的最大的区别是我们的语音。可是如果你会说英文，即使会讲一点，这个问题不大。是的，还有在文化上有一些差异。可是，美国和英国，南非和印度呢？英文都是我们的母语，只是文化都不一样罢了。所以别怕，只要开口。大多数的外国人不是坏人。如果你说错，他们不想咬你。
Don’t forget, our biggest difference is language. But if you can speak English, even if only just a little, this isn’t a big problem. Yes, there is still the difference in culture. But, America and England, South Africa and India? For all of us,English is our native tongue, but our cultures are different. So don’t be afraid, just open your mouth. Most foreigners aren’t bad people. If you say something wrong, they won’t bite you.
第二：“May I be your friend?”如果在中文里听起来像比较奇怪，也许在英文里也是奇怪的。
Chapter Two: “May I be your friend?” If in Chinese this sounds a little strange, perhaps in English it sounds strange as well.
说实话，这句话不仅非常诚实的，而且是很友好的。可是，在我们的生活中，偶尔走到一个陌生人的面前就说这句话。你不觉得很奇怪？我问你，要是在中国走到一个你不认识的中国人的前说：“想交朋友？”的话，对方会想什么？会想你有毛病了。如果你是女的，他会想你是．．．．．．不好意思说了等等。但在晚会，网上，这类的，可以用，对方会乐意地接受你的很友好的邀请。可是，要是在路上直接说呢？请先考虑一下怎么开始跟他讲。
Frankly speaking, not only is this sentence honest, but it’s also friendly. In my life, I’ve had strangers walk up to me and say this sentence. You don’t think this is strange? Let me ask you, if in China you walked up to another Chinese person you don’t know and said, “Want to be my friend?” what would they think? Maybe they’d think you were crazy. If you were a female, he may think you are…sorry, better not say.But on a date, on the internet and in situations like this, it’s okay to use,and the person you are speaking to me will happily accept your offer of friendship But, on the street, direct to a stranger? Please consider for a moment how to begin talking with them.
第三：“Beautiful day isn’t it。”
Number Three: “今天天气很漂亮。”
不错，这是闲聊/small talk. 可是还要看环境/情况。如果在路上等着巴士的情况下，可以这样问。在晚会：“So how do you know so and so？”还是用我们都非常熟悉的介绍：“Hello, my name is Kevin.”可是，不要用我的名字。等着火车：“Do you have the time？”看见一个人吃：“Would you care to join us？”最好是先看清楚情况，再讲。给你说几个尽量不要这样说的例子：在上海外滩骑车等红灯一个小伙子对我说：“Piece of cake。”没有上下文。坐在饭店外一个老人问我：“American？”我回答：“Yes。”他用中文再问我：“旧金山有many gays？”真没有上下文和看了什么环境？
Not bad, this is small talk.But you still need to look at the environment/situation. If on the road waiting for the bus, you can say something like this. On a date, “怎么认识谁和谁？？“This one we are all familiar with, “你好，我叫阿文。”But， don’t use my name. Waiting for a train, “现在是几点钟？“Watching someone eating alone, “想跟我们一起吃？”It’s best to first look at the situation, than speak. Let me give you some examples that you should do your best to avoid: biking on Shanghai’s Bund I stopped for a red light and a young man said to me, “小菜一碟.”No context.Sitting outside of a restaurant, an old man asked: “美国人？“I answered, “是。”In Chinese he asked me, “San Francisco has 很多同性恋？” Really no context and he got that from what situation?
第四：“May I help you?”
Number Four：“可以帮你一个忙？”
我估计你们都至少两三次碰到像迷路的外国人：嘴巴开着，拿着一张倒置的地图走来走去。要是你问那个迷路的外国人是否需要帮忙，肯定他们会感谢你的关心。然后可以用英文帮助他们指路。
I estimate that you all have run into this kind of foreigner at least two or three times: mouth hanging open, holding a map and walking back and forth. If you want to ask if they are lost and whether they need your help, certainly they will appreciate your concern. After that you can use English and show them the way.
第五：“Excuse me！”
Number Five: “对不起！“
要是你看外国人掉东西，在他后面可以喊出：“Excuse me！”如果只说：“Hello！”他有可能会不理你，因为不知道为什么他看不到的人突然喊叫：“Hello！”
If you saw a foreigner drop something, from behind them you can call out: “对不起！”If you only say, “你好！” maybe they will ignore you because they don’t know why someone they cannot see suddenly shouts, “你好！”
第五：“That’s a beautiful sweater。”
Number Five：“那件毛衣很漂亮。”
谁不喜欢恭维？这样的开始交流简直是太容易了。“I really love your hairstyle.”“Your Chinese is quite good.”最后这句写的是中国人常用的，知道你想给我们面子，然而我们都想错了，都认为自己真会用中文讲话，我们被你宠坏了！
Who doesn’t like a compliment? To begin taking this way is really easy. “我真喜欢你的发式。”“你的中文非常好。”This last sentence Chinese often use and we know you want to give us face, and we all went think wrong, we all start thinking our Chinese really is good, and we get spoiled by you!
第六：“May I practice my English with you？”
Number Six: “可以跟你练习我的英文？”
当然问话的人没有坏的意思，只想练习他的英文。可是很多人都很忙，可能误会你的意思，也许想你是要求他们就在那里教你英文。令人感觉这是一种工作。更好的方法是问他：“How are you？ ”对，非常简单。“New to the city？Let me be the first to welcome you to…. ”想欢迎他到你的城市。这样不也是一样可以练习你的英文吗？也不令人感觉到是一种工作！
Of course the one you are talking to won’t think this is bad and only think you want to practice your English. But everyone is busy, and they might misunderstand, perhaps think that you are requesting they teach you English. It will make the person feel it’s like a job. A better way to ask is, “你好吗？” Yes, very simple. “新来了真个城市？”让我当地一个人欢迎你到。。。。。。”like welcoming them to your city. In this way you aren’t practicing your English? And it doesn’t leave the other person thinking it’s a job!
第七: Hello与Halloo
Number Seven: 你好and你好啊
给外国人/老外打招呼的时候，请你用眼神跟他们交流，然后向他们微笑地说出“Hello。”
When greeting a foreigner/laowai, please make eye contact, than towards that person smile and say, “你好。”
请不要： 向他后背喊出：“Hello！”
Please don’t: From behind shout: “你好！“
不停的说：“Hello， Hello，Hello。”
Without stopping say: “你好，你好，你好。”
大声地喊叫：“Halloo!”
Loudly shout: “你好啊！”
请也不要： 向老外吹口哨或拍手。我们不是小狗。
Also please don’t: Whistle or clap your hands towards a laowai. We aren’t small dogs.
而且：“嘿”或“哦”还有另外比较奇怪，而且是陌生的发音。
As well as: “Hey” or “Oh” or other relatively strange and unusual sounds.
最后，我想说，我意识到大多数的中国人对外国人都是礼貌的。除了‘第七’的halloo以外，都真心想交朋友，练习自己的英文，等等和万一冒犯对方了，很可能自己也不是故意的。
Finally, I’d like to say, I realize that most Chinese are very polite to foreigners. Besides Number Seven’s你好啊，all are in earnest for making a friendship, wanting to practice one’s English, etc. and certainly not wanting to offend the other person and very likely not intentional mistakes.
